This past weekend I was standing over the counter dicing a purple onion. I found my eyes to instantly swell with tears as they burned from the pongent, raw smell of the vegetable. All I needed was a few diced onions and instead found my eyes to water hours later.
Lately, there has been a wave of sadness, frustration and anger that has settled over me. So much so that I've been angry at God and challenged to even open the Bible. I find myself having these conversations in my prayer chair with God over why certain things are happening and feel the urge to fear over tomorrow bubbling up like painful, nasty heartburn. The cancer diagnoses within my family, the state of our society, work pressures and worn out mommy drama, has my heart full of emotional distress. I confessed to My Love the other night that I just can't do any more cancer in our family. No one family should deal with it as often as we do!
I see other women in marriages that are not fulfilled, husbands not leading and children suffering in the midst and my heart hurts for them. I see lives altered because of health or worse, death. I hear of stress at work, pressure from travel or unhappiness in the office and it's more burden to listen too. This year has been a great year, but I'm happy to bring it to a close.
I love my job: stay-at-home mommy and full time teacher/trainer/event coordinator to three beautiful children God has perfectly placed in our family. This comes at a 24/7 price tag and no raise in the paycheck. I will be be the first to admit that lately I should be fired from my job as I've been worn out and not giving my all to the kids. I haven't cleaned as much as I should, haven't read to them as much even though I make them read to me or on their own, I haven't played as much with guards down and haven't taught them the best that I know I could.
I take things upon myself that I shouldn't take as my own. Our Charlie struggles with reading, but excels in math. I take that as, "I'm not teaching him well enough. What am I doing wrong?" His tossing of the pencil and threats to run away to the neighbors to play forever are sent straight to my heart and makes me wonder what am I not giving him enough of to feel loved here in our home? When my heart is worn out, it's hard to see the good in everyday. Charlie IS reading…just slower than his older sister learned. He IS making progress; just with baby steps that sometimes stumble backwards for support or review. Charlie DOES love his family and home; the threats are only when he's caught in the event of dishonesty or middle of a fight with his sister. See? Once I stop and assess the situation, the moment doesn't seem so devastating. It's when I refuse to take the blinders off that I can only see what I'm focused on and hearing, rather than the perspective of what's been happening over time.
When you walk through betrayal, you struggle with those emotions for the rest of your life. Trust is hard to earn and easily broken. The consequences of betrayal look different to everyone and I struggle with my own often. When I'm tired, burnt and yes, angry too, these struggles become extremely clear to me. I have to confess that my anger over the cancer in my family has recently been turned towards My Love. I'm sorry. I've let it stew inside and the devil has ran with it. I teach other women to take it to the cross and I myself, struggled in doing that these past few weeks. My heart was not in check with my words.
So, when I found my tears welling up over a small purple onion, I let them fall with humility and asked God for more grace. I found it refreshing to give way to the tears that have been bottled up inside. Sometimes you just need a good cry to clear your heart and mind. As for now, I'm praying that God will speak softly to me and I will be able to listen to His gentle words. I pray that He will grant me more patience in my parenting, more understanding to my children, more grace for everyday and bless us with more family fun.
So, please don't judge me because I'm confessing to a weak moment or sharing my struggles with you. Let's be honest…I'm sure you may wish you had a purple onion to cut too.
About the Author
Stephanie is a stay-at-home mommy to four little blessings. Married for 16 years, Tim and Stephanie find new ways to enjoy intimate time together while raising the young family.